104 Ways to Piss Off Voldemort
by mashimaromadness
Summary: Full official Title: 104 WAYS TO ANNOY, HARASS, CONFUSE OR GENERALLY SCARE LORD VOLDEMORT: Surefire ways to get yourself killed, or at least Crucio’d round the block and back again. It's good, please read and review
1. Just Some Info

Hi there everyone. I bet you missed me. My other story (which you should read if you haven't) has given me a lot of trouble, and no one seems to be reading it (which is a shame, because I'm proud of it) so I thought I'd go for something a little different.

This isn't a real chapter, just something to explain my story. I saw this list on Mugglenet, and I thought it would be funny to write a parody where each chapter was an item from the list. The name of the list is 104 WAYS TO ANNOY, HARASS, CONFUSE OR GENERALLY SCARE LORD VOLDEMORT: Sure-fire ways to get yourself killed, or at least Crucio'd round the block and back again.

See, the title itself makes you interested, doesn't it. I would love to say I am putting this up with the permission of the author of the list, but I cannot find her anywhere. So if anyone knows how to contact her (maybe you know her, I won't put her name, but if you know her, you should know that she wrote it), or if you are the author of this list and you've got a problem with this story, just review and let me know, I check my email a lot.

If this is in violation of something important, especially something that could get me arrested, let me know, please. I really think this will just be something fun to do. I promise to get it started really soon, or take it off really soon, if I find I'm doing something bad.

Oh, and the rating is high for language, I've got a bit of a dirty mouth, and after all the things I'm going to be doing to our good buddy Voldie, so will he.


	2. Ask Him About His Forehead

Hello everybody. Before anything else I wanted to apologize for the wait, for those of you who actually put an alert out for my story. My hard drive crashed and I lost the first chapter. But I'm redoing it, and this time it should be better. Thanks for the wake up call salem-red.

Oh, and I decided that instead of making the chapter name what the list item is, I'm making you wait until you read it. These things are so much funnier if you're surprised them. So, with my infinite skills, I will name them things that hint at what's going to happen. And I'll post it at the bottom just in case you're clueless.

Disclaimer: Not only do I not own the Harry Potter realm, I don't even own the list I'm making a parody of. I got it off fun list section. Don't hate me. And if you're the author of the list, feel free to contact me.

Chapter 1: Ask Him About His Forehead

The final battle was well underway by the time Harry reached his archenemy. Voldemort had been hiding behind his Death Eaters for hours and Harry was anxious to get this battle over with. After all, it was the final battle. People had been calling it that for whole minutes. It was time.

Voldemort was standing on a pedestal surrounded by Death Munchers, which made Harry wonder why he was on the pedestal, seeing as he had quite a clear shot from where he was standing.

"Hey! Tom! Look down here. I've got a present for you" Harry called out when he had infiltrated the Death Munchers (which Voldemort didn't even notice was happening. Silly Tom!)

"What did you just call me, boy?" The Dark Lord of all Evilnessness and Fear with a hint of Paprika yelled at The-Boy-With-Too-Many-Dashes-In-His-NameCool, turning a darker shade of grey. He really hated being called Tom.

"Why, I called you by your name, Tommy-Boy. What, you can't be afraid of your own name, or anyone else's for that matter, that's just silly."

"I'm going to kill you" Evil Tom yelled as he floated down from his pedestal.

"Ok, go ahead and try…" Harry was kind of confused, he didn't think Voldemort wanted to kill him, he didn't understand. No one had really told him anything except he had to fight this guy with no face. Man, he wished he had come a little more prepared for this.

They began to fight, and the whole battle around them stopped to watch, although it would have been a good time for the forces of Light to take advantage of the forces of Dark and kick their skinny butts while they were watching their leader try to kick a little kids butt, and fail. Voldemort was trying to take a psychological approach to weaken the boy before he killed him.

"I'm better than you in every way, boy!" he screamed. "I am the greatest wizard of all time, and you, you are nothing."

"Hey!" retorted Harry. "If you're so much better than me at everything, why don't you have such a cool scar? Huh? Explain that one."

"Why you little…&)&$#$$)($…" screamed the Evil One. "Crucio!"

Harry ducked.

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There you have it folks, the end. Okay, just in case you didn't guess, the item on the list was "Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'" That was a little bit random, I'd like to know how you think I did, because I'm not sure that brand of humor will amuse anyone other than myself.

Thanks guys, and please, if you are reading this after other chapters have been posted, it's really nice to leave a review at the end of each chapter instead of just the current one. So if you would, please, review all of the chapters. Thanks guys!


	3. Laugh at Him

Chapter 2: Laugh

A/N: Hello everyone, I am back with another update, which I am sure you will love. Have faith, I will get this out, but my life is just busy all the time. I shall try to make a commitment to a new chapter every weekend, but I highly doubt anything even vaguely resembling that will actually happen. However, I'm trying. Here's the next chappie. Oh, and view my lovely new separator, because I never know if asterisks are going to work, I'm using that instead. You get brownie points if you can tell me what the letters stand for.

Disclaimer: Money? What is this thing, money? I don't have any of that stuff and I'm not gaining anything from this weird parody, so back off. I could use some money though, I like money!

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As Voldemort stood atop the steaming pile of bodies he had just Apparated on top of, he heard a strange sound. At first, it was some crazy bushy-haired girl screaming "But you can't Apparate on Hogwarts grounds!" (Although he quickly quelled that sound with a simple little killing spell). It was something altogether foreign to his ears that was puzzling him.

It sounded almost like… Was that… It couldn't possibly be… But it is… It's… GIGGLING! Someone was giggling on the battlefield. What the hell was that about?

He looked down, trying not to get a glimpse of the steaming bodies, even Voldie has his limits, and saw something that was also new.

Harry Potter was giggling at him. No, it had changed to a full on laugh now.

"Why in the blazes would you possibly be laughing right now, Potter?" Moldywarts hissed.

"You-your f-f-ace" Harry gasped, trying to spit out words through fits of laughter. At his "your face" joke he started laughing even harder, falling to the floor and having convulsions.

"AAAAAAAAAH, HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!" Voldemort cried, firing a couple Crucio's at Potter but missing because Harry was now rocking back and forth, unable to breathe and the funniness.

"You call THAT THING beautiful? Wow, you must think my hottness is just hideous, the way you look at the world. God, NO ONE agrees with you on that one, oh darling Tommy." Harry managed to control his breathing enough to say this, before he began to crack up again.

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Harry woke up the next morning laughing hard. _Wow, that was hilarious, I wish I could do that again… Too bad everyone and everything I love is gone. Oh well, as long as I have the memory of that conversation._

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A/N: So, how did you like it? That one was a little bit strange, but overall I liked it. And if I'm satisfied with it, it at least has to be okay, because my standards can be pretty low. Anyways, please review. Every chapter, please, not just the last one you're caught up on, it's mean. When you write you want people to review every chapter and give you feedback. That's all this author wants, anyways. Oh, and don't forget the brownie points for figuring out what my separator stands for. It's pretty hott, I'll tell you that much.

Short chappie, sorry guys, any longer and it would just be getting obnoxious (as if it isn't already obnoxious enough)


	4. Sing

Chapter 3

Wake Him Up By Singing the Beach Boys

A/N: Think it took me long enough to update? Life has been crazy but I'm currently on a plane on my way to a fabulous vacation in France and therefore have plenty of time to finally update. Your withdrawals will be sated. I know, you are joyous. There is dancing in the streets and you are all desperate for me to shut up and get on with the chapter. Well, I can do so, with one small extra disclaimer. In the unlikely case that any of you have a problem with the Beach Boys song I chose, don't blame me, I didn't choose it. The song was specified on the list. So there you have it. On with the chapter!!

Oh, and a new coded separator for you all. Last one the first reviewer got, so you all have to try really hard, even though they're easy. Have fun with it.

Last chapter's divider, by the way: Harry Potter Versus Tom Marvolo Riddle. Congrats to all who got it and sorry to those of you who missed

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Lucius sat, deep in thought. _Whatever shall I do? The Dark Lord has requested that I wake him at 4 this afternoon. But the last poor fool who dared wake him was _Avada Kedavra_ed in seconds. Who can I send? This is quite a dilemma._

This was a big problem for the ugly old bigot for several reasons. One, he didn't particularly want to die that afternoon. Two, he could not for the life of him figure out why he was thinking in such out of character sentences. And three, he wasn't sure which of the other Death Eaters he was going to give the task to.

In an "AHA!" moment, Lucius decided which Death Eater to send. "Get me Wormtail" he muttered to his left. Realizing there was no one else in the room he was in, he stared at indignation at the empty spot on his left and mumbled at it "Fine, I'll get him myself!"

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"Well that didn't work."

Now Lucius has a new problem. The Dark Lord was still fast asleep, but Wormtail was dead. He wasn't sure how many lackeys he was going to have to slaughter to wake up their master this afternoon, but he was sure it would be several. On the bright side, however, Wormtail was dead. Half the Death Eaters and the rest of the world were celebrating. Champagne was opened, music was played, people wept with joy. But that's another story for another time.

_Where shall I get my next Death Eater from? None of the others that actually have a name are annoying enough to be expendable. What about the trainees?? That should be interesting…_

"Go to the training room and get me the biggest slacker of the trainees" he commanded to the empty spot on his left. Hearing no action being taken, he frustratedly stated "Go on now, I'm the Dark Lord's right hand man and you shall do as I say!" He was yelling by the time he once again realized there was no one there.

"Why can't I get any good help around here?" he mumbled as he stalked off in the direction of the training room where Dark Arts classes were being held. After all, Lord Voldemort had a standard to uphold. He couldn't have his Death Eaters looking incompetent in the eyes of his enemies, after all.

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"Don't worry about it, all the Death Eaters are incompetent anyway" Harry tried to reassure his friends. "I'll be fine. Why would they ever suspect one of their trainees to be the ever famous Harry Potter. If they can't figure out Snape is a double agent, they surely won't find me."

"I don't know Harry, it seems awfully dangerous. It's a big risk to take, especially since it has no strategic purpose for our side" Hermione reasoned.

"It does too have strategic purpose" argued Ron, who was supposedly good at that kind of thing.

"Oh yeah, what's that, then?"

"Ummmm… I don't know. But if Harry thought it up he can't have done it for no good reason. Right, Harry?"

"Sure guys, it has plenty of strategic value. It's for my mental health! I'm going to spend the whole time subtly annoying Voldie for my own sick, sadistic pleasure."

"But you'll die Harry. Surely if you annoy him he'll just kill you. You won't be high ranking and therefore he'll have no other purpose for you. You'll be expendable and he'll kill you." Hermione was shaking Harry violently by the shoulders, which only made Harry more annoyed. It also gave him another reason to want to be out of that place.

"He can't kill me without me noticing. And if I notice him I'll just initiate the final battle and kill him myself. It'll be fine Hermione, I promise. Now I have to go and foolproof my plan. An alias is needed for this mission. From now on my Death Eater alter ego shall be…"

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"Victor Schnicklefritz" Harry said proudly as he smirked in Lucius' face. "My name is Victor Schnicklefritz."

"Really?" Lucius drawled. He was amused, highly amused. He had no idea how this guy dared to be glib with him right now. Making up such a fake name to tease him. He obviously didn't know how much trouble he was already in.

It was his fault, though. "Victor" had gotten himself into this mess. He had been leaning against the back wall when Malfoy had walked up to him.

"_What, you think you're too good for this class, right? That you don't need to be trained because you already know all you need to know to serve our Lord?"_

"_Yup" Harry answered simply._

"_I see… What's your name, oh trainee who's too good to take our lessons? Who dares to say he's better than the rest of his peers?"_

"Yes, my name really is Victor Schnicklefritz. Why don't you believe me? It's not like I got to choose my own last name. What do you want from me?"

"Alright, Schnicklefritz, since you're so much better than your peers, I'm going to honor you with one of the most important tasks in the castle this afternoon."

"Oh yeah?" Harry asked skeptically. "What's that?"

"You have the honor of waking our Lord up. Have fun!" Lucius smirked evilly as he pushed the trainee along in front of him on the way to his Lord's quarters. Little did he know, the trainee was smiling just as much as he was.

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Harry was thrilled. He couldn't have begged for a better opportunity to get on Voldie's nerves than this. As he let himself be pushed through the halls of the fortress, he began to plan his approach.

In an epiphany unrivaled in all of history, Harry decided what he would do. This would wake Voldie up in the most annoying way possible. He did the mental equivalent of rubbing his hands together in anticipation as he made his way towards the door of Lord Voldemort's private quarters.

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The greatest Dark Lord of all time, or so he liked to think, was having a nice dream about torture when he heard something annoying in his ear. He tried to ignore it, but it was truly the most hideous noise he had ever heard.

When he opened his eyes he saw none other than his archenemy, the famous Boy-Who-Had-Too-Many-Dashes-In-His-Name, holding both of their wands and singing very off key. The lyrics to this horrible tune went something like this.

_I'm gettin' bugged driving up and down the same old strip  
I gotta finda new place where the kids are hip_

My buddies and me are getting real well known  
Yeah, the bad guys know us and they leave us alone  
I get around  
Get around round round I get around  
From town to town  
Get around round round I get around  
I'm a real cool head  
Get around round round I get around  
I'm makin' real good bread  
Get around round round I get around  
I get around  
Round  
Get around round round oooo  
Wah wa ooo  
Wah wa ooo  
Wah wa ooo

We always take my car cause it's never been beat  
And we've never missed yet with the girls we meet

None of the guys go steady cause it wouldn't be right  
To leave your best girl home now on Saturday night

I get around  
Get around round round I get around  
town to town  
Get around round round I get around  
I'm a real cool head  
Get around round round I get around  
I'm makin' real good Bread  
Get around round round I get around  
I get around  
Round  
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

Round round get around  
I get around  
Yeah  
Get around round round I get around  
Get around round round I get around  
Wah wa ooo  
Get around round round I get around  
Oooo ooo ooo  
Get around round round I get around  
Ahh ooo ooo  
Get around round round I get around  
Ahh ooo ooo  
Get around round round I get around  
Ahh ooo ooo

Voldie stared in horror at Potter and couldn't bring himself to move. He just could not believe this was happening. When Harry finally stopped singing he was grinning like a madman (although he probably was a madman, seeing as he woke the most fearful dark lord in history up with the Beach Boys).

Voldemort snapped out of his revere and suddenly realized just how infuriated he was.

"POTTER!!" he screamed.

"Good morning, sleepy head." Harry was grinning so broadly the grin was practically splitting his face in two.

"GIVE ME BACK MY WAND! HOW DARE YOU!?"

"I think not, but thanks for the suggestion, like I don't know what you'd do with it. Bye now!" And with that Harry skipped off holding the two wands in his hands.

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And with that the great Dark Lord was defeated, because he no longer had a wand and was therefore practically a Muggle.

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A/N: End of chapter, hope you enjoyed it. More updates soon probably, because I have practically nothing else to do here. I don't speak French so I can't really go out. Since I'm holed up, you all get the lucky opportunity, cause I have time to write… finally! Enjoy the upcoming chapters. Please review!


	5. Knit

Chapter 4

Knit Him Things. Really Hideous Things

A/N: Hello again all. Didn't I tell you it wouldn't be long until my next update? My last one has been up so shortly no one has even reviewed it yet. This means a lot of things, including that I can't tell you the success rate on the guesses for the last separator. But I can tell you what it was and hope you're being good and reviewing every chapter, meaning that you will not see this until after you have submitted your guess.

Last chapter is was: Harry Potter Is An Undercover Death Eater. Good luck on this chapter's one and yes, I know it's a hard one but I think you guys are up to the challenge. You know what else, I think I'm going to change this up a little. Instead of trying to figure out what I intended, I want you all to come up with your own for the letters I got. At each next chapter I'll post all the good ones I got. Here's one clever reviewer's idea.

Tsuzuki Miaki: Harry Potter Is An Uberly Decvious Englishman

Haha, I like. Nice job. All of you, post your ideas and get them shown to the rest of the readers. Enjoy the fun! I seem to have not been clear so I'm editing the chapter to add this bit of info. My thought was for you guys to make up dividers that fit the letters I put up. Sorry if that wasn't clear, I seem to have gotten a few reviews with ideas that have nothing to do with the letters I put up. Try again!

One other important bit. I want you all to remember that each chapter functions as a separate story. If you've gotten this far you probably already know this. That being said, I would also like you all to remember that I am planning on using elements from previous chapters. That will be obvious in this chapter and I don't want you guys to get confused. So I'm reminding you that though it has some parts the same, each chapter is a separate story. Now, on with the chapter.

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"Hey Hermione, can you do me a favor?"

"Sure Harry, anything. What do you need?"

"I need you to teach me how to knit."

"Why do you need to know how to knit? Shouldn't you be working on your disguise? What's his name…? Victor Schniklefry…?"

"It's Schniklefritz, and no, I've already infiltrated the Death Eaters. Now all I need to do is implement my plan. It's ready and now I have to wait for the right time. While I wait I'd like to knit. I remember you trying to set the house elves free by knitting them things, so please teach me."

"Alright, sit down then. So, to begin…."

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The Dark and Evil Lord of all things Dark and Evil was sitting in his throne room (as he called it to everyone, because, you know, he deserves a throne, he's Dark and Evil) when he realized he was exceptionally bored. Now, this is highly unusual, because normally he's got some plan to work on or some Muggles (or servants) to torture. But all the Muggle prisoners were dead and his servants had all been on exceptionally good behavior, so he had nothing to do.

Knowing this, he decided to take a walk through his Dark and Evil lair of Darkness and Evilness, to find something Dark and Evil to do. He opened the door to leave his throne room and tripped over something.

"Gah! What was that? Who dares trip the greatest Dark Lord of all time? I shall torture you until you cry!"

And with that pronouncement he looked down to see who had tripped him and saw an ugly lump of maroon fuzz.

"What the hell?" Voldie asked to no one at all (he said hell 'cause he's dark and evil and uses swearwords. Now kids, remember that swearwords are bad and only dark and evil people use them. Ha, yeah fucking right. See, I'm dark and evil too).

He picked up the maroon fuzz and saw that it was in fact a hideous sweater knitted very poorly. Annoyed but willing to ignore the hideous piece of outerwear, he burned it and walked on. But he only got about 50 feet before he tripped again.

"What is going on here?" he cried as he tripped over an equally hideous maroon hat. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" Voldie was so annoyed by this point he realized he had been talking completely out of character all day. Today was just not his day, he supposed. He burned the hideous hat and moved on through his Dark and Evil lair, hoping to follow the trail of hideous knitting to the culprit.

However, even looking at the ground and seeing the hideous knitting, he seemed to keep tripping. Every time he got to a new piece of clothing (which was now varying in color as well as design) he would bend down to pick it up (so he could burn it of course) and end up tripping on it. He tripped over 50 pieces of knitting before he became so infuriated he decided it was worthless for him to investigate it anymore.

He called his inner circle to do it for him, of course. Why do you think he has all those minions? Surely you didn't think it was purely out of need for domination? No, that idea came after the minions. He got minions because he's a lazy ass. Good piece of history, too bad they don't teach it in History of Magic. Too recent I suppose.

He made his way back to the throne room where his minions were gathering and noticed a sign on the door. It said "HEY VOLDIE, HOPE YOU LIKE THE KNITTING. I MADE IT JUST FOR YOU. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE SOME HIDEOUS KNITTED CLOTHES TO GO WITH YOUR HIDEOUS FACE. LOVE (MORE LIKE I HATE YOU), SOMEONE FROM AMONG YOUR RANKS"

Infuriated, he swept into his throne room to wait until his minions to arrive and finding only one to have done so yet.

"Aaah, Victor, good you're here. I have a job for you"

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"What's that My Lord?" Harry said as he bowed low, a huge grin breaking out on his face behind his mask. He was so happy he was here to see Voldemort's reaction to the sign, it was so classic and funny.

"Do not worry Victor, I shall honor you by telling you in front of all my other servants, so that they may wallow in their jealousy of you."

"Why thank you My Lord." Harry tried to keep the smile out of his voice as the other Inner Circle members began to arrive.

When they all got to the throne room, Voldie was sitting up in his throne (if you could even call it that, it was more like a sad little chair) looking all Dark and Evil. "Ah, you have arrived. Something most unfortunate has occurred to day. Someone among our ranks has decided to disgrace me. I want only my most trusted Death Eater to investigate it and find out who that is, and Victor, that is you."

Harry was astonished. He had been playing pranks on the other Death Eaters this whole time without them knowing, and now he had just pulled on his darkness/evilness himself, and he was considered trusted. _God, this guy is a complete idiot_, he thought. And it was true, as every Death Eater knew, although none of them would admit it. And, of course, Bella and Lucius were fuming in the background (silently, of course).

"Do not be afraid to investigate everyone, including the people in this room. If they refuse your inquiries, please bring them to me and they will be punished accordingly."

"Thank you, My Lord" Harry groveled (well, maybe he was a good actor too…).

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Over the next couple of days Harry simply bided his time. He already knew who he was going to frame. That had been a no brainer. But he needed the others to think he was truly finding the culprit, so he was interrogating everyone under Veritaserum, just to be safe.

When he felt he had "investigated" long enough to be believable, he asked the Dark Lord of Darkness and Evilness to call his Inner Circle to him so he could reveal the results of his investigation.

When they all had gathered around Harry began to pace back and forth in the middle of the circle.

"My Lord," he began, "I have thoroughly investigated every person within this room. My hope, my dream, my expectation, was that by starting here I could call a meeting to clear everyone within your Inner Circle of most trusted servants. Unfortunately, however, I will not be able to do so. I have in fact found who did this horrible crime."

"And who is that?" asked Voldemort after a long and dramatic pause.

"That person is..." Another long and dramatic pause.

"Well come on Schniklefritz, before I assume it was you"

"Sorry, My Lord, I spaced out. I'm back now. That person is…" Again with the pausing.

"This is ridiculous. I command you to tell me who it is!"

"Sorry, My Lord, I spaced out. I'm back now. That person is…"

"Severus Snape!"

"What? My Lord, no! I have done no such thing! He lies!" Snape yelled frantically from his corner of the circle.

"Snape, your motives have been under question for some time. Victor's have never been. This leads me to assume that he is telling the truth, not you." This assumption, however, was completely idiotic, seeing how Snape was really a loyal Death Eater posing to be loyal to the light, and Schniklefritz was really the famous Harry Potter, arch nemesis of Voldemort, posing to be a loyal Death Eater.

And with that Voldie tortured him to death (no details, don't want to hurt the children's minds).

"Thank you for believing me, My Lord" Harry said. And with that, he pulled a hideous knitted hat from his robes, took off his mask, and canceled the concealment spell he had been under, revealing himself to be Harry Potter. "You just got rid of a huge thorn in my side." That being said, Harry pulled the Sword of Gryfindor from his little, tiny, hideous knitted hat and threw it dagger style at the Dark and Evil Lord of Darkness and Evilness, hitting him square in the face and killing him instantly.

Before any of the Death Eaters could react to the death of His Darkness and Evilness, Harry Apparated out to the huge party he knew they were going to throw as soon as everyone heard he had finally defeated his enemy once and for all.

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And there you have it folks, another chapter down. This update took me longer than expected, sorry about that. It was a little difficult to come up with a good premise for this chapter. I toyed around with a few ideas, but I've decided to use them for a few other chapters because they are the only ones that will work there. I think you will enjoy some of the ideas I had. Ah, we shall see.

Anyways, tell me what you think. Review please. And don't forger to make up your version of the separator to be posted with the next update.


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